The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown: Book Summary & Notes

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  • Read Time: 29 minutes
  • By: Jen
  • Updated: April 5, 2025

In a world that often shouts messages of “be more,” “do more,” and “achieve more,” have you ever felt the pressure of trying to be perfect?

What if the path to a more fulfilling life wasn’t flawless performance but embracing our vulnerabilities and imperfections?

This question sits at the heart of Brené Brown’s eye-opening book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

Since I first read it in the fall of 2015, I’ve found myself returning to its pages again and again. It’s no exaggeration to say that this book has changed my perspective on life, worthiness, and what it truly means to live wholeheartedly.

If you’re curious about letting go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embracing who you truly are, join me as we explore this book’s core messages and how they offer a practical guide to navigating our imperfect yet vibrant human experience.

What is The Gifts of Imperfection About?

Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection discusses a different way of living called “wholehearted living.” It’s not about being perfect but about feeling good enough just as you are. Living this way is a journey, not something you achieve overnight.  

The book says that if we want to live wholeheartedly, we need courage, compassion, and connection.  

  • Courage: Courage is being brave enough to be yourself, even when it’s scary. It’s about asking for help when you need it and speaking your truth.  
  • Compassion: Compassion is being kind to yourself and others, especially when things are tough. It means accepting people (including yourself!) instead of blaming them.  
  • Connection: Connection is the feeling you get when you feel seen and heard by others and can be yourself without being judged. It’s the energy that flows between people who care about each other.  
courage, compassion, and connection are the keys to wholehearted living

The book also discusses worthiness, love, and belonging. Everyone needs to feel loved and like they belong.

But to truly feel this, we must first believe we deserve it—that we are worthy. 

Feeling like you belong means being accepted for your true self, not just fitting in.  

But sometimes things get in the way of living like this…

The biggest roadblocks are shame and fear. Shame is that awful feeling that you’re flawed or not good enough. Fear of feeling ashamed can stop us from being ourselves.

The cure to shame and fear is the willingness to be vulnerable. Vulnerability means letting yourself be seen, which can feel risky. The book says we have to face these terrifying feelings if we want to live a fuller life.  

So, how do you do that?

Brené Brown gives us Ten Guideposts, like directions for the journey:

  1. Be Real (Authenticity): Let go of worrying about what others think. 
  2. Be Kind to Yourself (Self-Compassion): Let go of trying to be perfect.  
  3. Bounce Back (Resilience): Let go of trying to numb your feelings or feeling powerless.  
  4. Be Thankful and Happy (Gratitude and Joy): Let go of feeling like there’s never enough and being afraid of hard times.
  5. Trust Your Gut (Intuition and Faith): Let go of needing to know everything.  
  6. Be Creative: Let go of comparing yourself to others.  
  7. Play and Rest: Let go of being busy all the time and thinking your worth comes from how much you do.  
  8. Be Calm and Still: Let go of living with constant anxiety.  
  9. Do Work That Matters (Meaningful Work): Let go of doubting yourself and only doing what you think you’re “supposed to” do.  
  10. Laugh, Sing, and Dance: Let go of trying to be cool and always in control.  

Following these guideposts can help you let go of who you think you should be and embrace who you truly are, leading to a happier, more genuine life.

Sound interesting?

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The Most Flipping BA Ideas from The Gifts of Imperfection

Reading The Gifts of Imperfection feels like getting a series of powerful truth bombs dropped on you – in the best possible way.

The first time I read this book, something inside me cracked open. I would shake uncontrollably while reading as the tidal wave of everything I had been holding back washed out. I skipped whole sections because I couldn’t face the contents (and myself).

This book was transformative for me. Here are the most perspective-altering concepts:

  • I am enough. (And so are you.) This is the bedrock. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites; it’s inherent.  
  • The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. Embracing difficulties and darkness is necessary to truly appreciate joy and light.  
  • Shame = I am bad. Guilt = I did something bad. Understanding this difference is crucial; shame attacks our identity, while guilt focuses on behavior.  
  • You have to own your stories. Facing and integrating our experiences, even difficult ones, is key to building resilience and moving past shame.
  • Perfectionism is about earning acceptance. It’s not about self-improvement; it’s a shield we use, driven by what we think others will think.  
  • You can’t numb only the bad things. When we try to numb painful emotions, we inevitably numb positive ones like joy and connection, too.  
  • Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s often mistaken for weakness, but it takes courage to show up and be seen when you can’t control the outcome.
  • Staying vulnerable is a risk we must take to experience connection. True connection requires the courage to be open and seen, even when it feels risky.  
  • Trust your gut. Your intuition often holds valuable wisdom; learn to listen instead of constantly seeking external validation.  
  • The more reactive we are to a trigger, the more we need to investigate why. Strong emotional reactions often signal deeper issues or sensitivities that warrant exploration.  
  • Sharing our gifts is the most powerful source of connection. Using our unique talents and sharing them with the world brings meaning and deeply connects us to others.  
ten of the most flipping ba ideas written on sticky notes. Ideas listed match article text.

These ideas challenge us to rethink deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves and how we relate to the world. They encourage letting go of harmful patterns like perfectionism and shame, embracing vulnerability as the pathway to connection, and cultivating the courage to live authentically from a place of inherent worthiness.

My Full Notes on The Gifts of Imperfection

The following sections are a transcription of my handwritten notes from my Remarkable 2.

I use the zettelkasten method with Obsidian.md, so I’ve added my thoughts, connections to other material, and keywords for each chapter.

I added the section breaks ‘What is Wholehearted Living?’ and ‘The 10 Guideposts for Living a Wholehearted Life’ for scrollability. They do not exist in the book.

Introduction: Wholehearted Living

  • wholehearted living = living from worthiness
    • process, not a one-time choice pg 2
  • tools: (daily practices)
    • courage
    • compassion
    • connection
  • digging deep: “secret level of pushing through when we’re exhausted and overwhelmed, an when there’s too much to do and too little time for self-care.” pg 3
    • better way to do it than just grinding through: pg4
      • D –> deliberate in thoughts and actions through prayer, meditation, or setting intention
      • I –> inspired to make new, different choices
      • G –> get going. take action.
    • “if we want to know why we’re all so afraid to let our true selves be seen and known, we have to understand the power of shame and fear.” pg 6
    • “only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” pg 6
Keywords from Introduction

courage, compassion, connection, digging-deep, shame, fear, darkness-and-light

What is Wholehearted Living?

  • living from courage, compassion and connection is a practice. You attain by doing (and you must continue to do to continue to attain).
  • the opposite of these: SHAME
    • when falling into shame, practice courage, compassion, and connection to climb out.
    • “shame loves secrecy” pg 10
    • “when we’re looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend, and, most of all, we need someone who embraces us for our strengths and struggles” pg 11
    • “I felt totally exposed and completely loved and accepted at the same time” pg11
    • (the courage to reach out and receive compassion creates connection)
  • courage (ordinary courage)
    • “courage originally meant ‘to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart'” pg 12
    • courage is:
      • asking for help when you need it
      • risking disappointment by reaching for something you want
      • sharing your own imperfect stories with others
    • “courage has a ripple effect” pg 15
  • compassion
    • #read-more-from Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You book
    • meaning “to suffer with” pg 16
    • “our first response to pain … is to self-protect. We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame. Or sometimes we shield ourselves by turning to judgment or by immediately going into fix it mode.” pg 16
    • “[compassion] is a relationship between equals.” pg 16
    • Pema Chodron: “Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.” pg 16
    • boundaries and compassion
      • “the heart of compassion is acceptance” pg 16
      • “We live in a blame culture – we want to know whose fault it is and how they are going to pay … We do a lot of screaming and finger-pointing but we rarely hold people accountable.” pg 17
      • “Setting boundaries and holding people accountable is a lot more work than shaming and blaming” pg 18
      • “the key is to separate people from their behaviors – to talk about what they are doing, not who they are.” pg 18
      • “We have to stay away from convincing ourselves that we hate someone or that they deserve to feel bad so that we can feel better about holding them accountable.” pg 18
      • “… it’s dangerous to our relationships and to our well-being to get mired in shame and blame, or to be full of self-righteous anger.” pg 19
What is accountability, actually?

When we think about accountability, we imagine an external force calling us out for not doing what we were supposed to (or doing something wrong).

In Atomic Habits, James Clear says “knowing someone is watching can be a powerful motivator.” In this context, an accountability-partner is someone you ask to shame you if you don’t follow through on your goals. So, we do what we say we’re going to do out of fear of judgment.

But really, “accountability is not concerned with fault, but rather what it takes to create better results.” (Moran. The 12-Week Year)

What if we approach accountability with a growth-mindset, compassion, and non-judgment?

Then, accountability can be seen as a learning-experience, rather than a shaming one. Having a real, thoughtful, constructive conversation about behavior-change can lead to a true sense of acceptance and belonging.

  • connection
    • “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” pg 19
    • #read-more-from Daniel Goleman: Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships book
      • “the connectedness we experience in our relationships impacts the way our brain develops and performs” pg 20
    • “until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart” pg 20
    • “if connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both directions” pg 21
Keywords from Chapter 1

courage, shame, compassion, acceptance, pema-chodron, pema-chodron_the-places-that-scare-you, boundaries, acceptance, blame, accountability, separate-people-from-behavior, connection, non-judgment, daniel-goleman, daniel-goleman_social-intelligence

  • “if we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.” pg 23
  • “worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites.” pg 24
  • “fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” pg 25
  • 3 truths:
    1. love and belonging will always be uncertain (immeasurable)
    2. love belongs with belonging
    3. a deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children.
  • “shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows.” pg 26
  • “because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” pg 26
  • “we can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’re embraced for who we are.” pg 27
  • “when we don’t practice love with the people we claim to love, it takes a lot out of us. Incongruent living is exhausting.” pg 28
Keywords from Chapter 2

belonging, worthiness, irreducible-needs, authenticity, self-acceptance, incongruent-living

  • “… it’s all about ‘the things that get in the way.’ I’m not about the ‘how to’ because in ten years, I’ve never seen any evidence of ‘how to’ working without talking about the things that get in the way.” pg 35
  • “we don’t want to be uncomfortable. we want a quick and dirty ‘how to’ list for happiness.” pg 35
  • “if we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.” pg 36
Why we fail to make change...

When we decide we want to make a change in our lives, we usually start by setting a goal.

Sadly 92% of our goals fail! —cite>

Why?

In The 12-Week Year, Brian Moran and Michael Lexington point out that “execution invariably requires taking new actions, and new actions are often uncomfortable.”

When I don’t take action on a personal goal, it’s not because it wasn’t SMART enough. What’s really happening is that I freeze because something inside is blocking me. It’s my fear of failure or my lack of worthiness or even, sometimes, my fear of success.

Taking action is uncomfortable because it means facing our fears and our shame.

If we want to successfully make change that sticks, we have to face “the things that get in the way.” (Brown. The Gifts of Imperfection.)

  • “we don’t talk about the hustle that’s become such a part of our lives that we don’t even realize we’re dancing.” pg 37
  • “… there are days when most of my anxiety grows out of the expectations I put on myself.” pg 37
  • “honest conversations about shame can change the way we live, love, parent, work, and build relationships.” pg 38
  • “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” pg 39
  • “shame is all about fear” pg 39
  • “to feel shame is to be human.” pg 39
  • “shame resilience is the ability to recognize shame, to move through it constructively while maintaining worthiness and authenticity, and to ultimately develop more courage, compassion, and connection as a result of our experience.” pg 40
  • “shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: 1. secrecy, 2. silence, and 3. judgment.” pg 40
  • “Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad. Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors.” pg 41
shame is identity, guilt is behavior
Labels Matter...

Shame comes from labelling ourselves negatively, e.g. “I am shy.” When you are something, it is part of your identity and you don’t feel like you can change it.

If you can separate your behaviors from your identity, e.g. “I speak quietly and less frequently than others,” it is easier to reframe and try to develop a new skill.

In this case, a more positive, less shame-triggering label might be “I am quiet and thoughtful.” This is the basis of labeling theory, which Ali Abdaal covers in Feel-Good Productivity.

Incidentally, this is also why I talk about the Big Five personality traits on this site, rather than Myers-Briggs. Your Myers-Briggs type can very easily become a label that you allow to identify you, for good or for bad. (I’m a quintessential INFP, if you were wondering.)

  • “When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. Full of shame or the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack and shame others.” pg 41
    • violence, aggression
    • depression
    • addiction, eating disorders
    • bullying
  • “using shame to parent teaches children that they are not inherently worthy of love.” pg 42
  • #read-more-from Dr Linda Hartling, Karen Horney
    • how we deal with shame: pg 46
      1. Move away – withdraw, hide, silence ourselves, keep secrets
      2. Move toward – seeking to appease and please
  • Move against – trying to gain power over others, being aggressive, using shame to fight shame
  • “if we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we have to own our story.” pg 46
Shame and mindset

Carol Dweck’s work on mindset talks about almost exactly the same behaviors in regard to people with a fixed mindset. Brene Brown identifies them in regard to shame. So, shame (whether consciously felt or not) is the source of a fixed mindset.

  • questions to start building resilience: pg 47
    1. “Who do you become when you’re backed into that shame corner?”
    2. “How do you protect yourself?”
    3. “Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing?”
    4. “What’s the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?”
Keywords from Chapter 3

worthiness, secrecy, silence, judgment, guilt-versus-shame, guilt, disconnection, action-is-uncomfortable, honest-conversations, linda-hartling, karen-horney, move-away, move-toward, move-against, building-resilience

The 10 Guideposts for Living a Wholehearted Life

  • “authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day” pg 49
    • show up and be real
    • honesty
    • letting our true selves be seen
  • choosing authenticity:
    • courage to be imperfect
    • setting boundaries
    • being vulnerable
    • exercising compassion
    • “nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.” pg 50
  • “when we choose to be true to ourselves, the people around us will struggle to make sense of how and why we are changing.” pg 51
  • “when I first started mindfully practicing authenticity and worthiness, I felt like every day was a walk through a gauntlet of gremlins.” pg 51
  • “… authenticity isn’t always the safe option.” pg 52
  • “as we struggle to be authentic and brave, it’s important to remember that cruelty always hurts, even if the criticisms are untrue.” pg 53
    • “staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” pg 53
  • “our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don’t just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at our worthiness.” pg 53
    • “if you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”
  • “courage is contagious” pg 54
  • “when acceptance or approval becomes my goal, and it doesn’t work out, that can trigger shame for me. … If the goal is authenticity and they don’t like me, I’m ok.” pg 54
Keywords from Guidepost #1

be-real, honesty, being-seen, choosing-authenticity, being-brave, unexpressed-ideas-fester, courage-is-contagious, acceptance-and-approval

  • “… shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.” pg 55
  • “perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield” pg 56
  • “perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.” pg 56
  • “Perfectionism is other-focused – ‘What will they think?'” pg 56
  • life-paralysis – all of the opportunities we miss because we’re afraid of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. pg 56-57
  • “based on my data, I don’t think that some people are perfectionists and others are not. I think perfectionism exists along a continuum.” pg 58
  • #read-more-from Dr Kristen Neff: self-compassion.org
    • self-compassion pg 59-60
      1. self-kindness – beng understanding with ourselves rather than ignoring and flagellating ourselves
      2. common humanity – everyone has feelings of inadequacy
  • mindfulness – balancing our experience of emotions so that we can feel them without being overrun.
  • “when we’re kind to ourselves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others.” pg 61
Measuring imperfection

No one is perfect.

If you are constantly battling perfectionism, you are less likely to try to learn new things.

If you can’t learn new things, you get stuck (i.e. life paralysis).

To begin moving past perfectionism, we need to learn to set the bar at ‘good enough.’ Adam Grant shares his system for measuring ‘good enough’ in Hidden Potential. When he (or others) are reviewing his work, he sets a target score for the thing based on how much experience he has in what he’s doing (e.g. 5 of 10, 8 of 10, but never 10 of 10). Then, he works at the thing until he achieves his target score.

Keywords from Guidepost #2

self-compassion, perfectionism, life-paralysis, self-kindness, common-humanity, mindfulness

  • “resilience – the ability to overcome adversity” pg 63
  • “protective factors – the things we do, have, and practice that give us the bounce” pg 63
  • common factors of resilient people:
    • resourceful
    • seek help
    • believe they can do something to manage/cope
    • social support/connection
  • foundation of non-religious spirituality – “… belief in connection, a power greater than self, and interconnections grounded in love and compassion.” pg 64
  • essential actions: pg 65
    • cultivating hope
      • #read-more-from CR Snyder
      • ‘…hope is not an emotion; it’s a way of thinking…’ pg 65:
        • set realistic goals
        • figure out how to achieve – flexible, alternative plans
        • believe in ourselves
Setting realistic goals

There are lots of different ways to set goals. When you set goals, it’s best to consider the systems that you can use to implement them as much or more than the goals themselves.

To find the system that works best for you, look in goal-setting-techniques.

  • essential actions, continued from above
    • cultivating hope, continued from above
      • hope is learned behavior
      • “tolerance for disappointment, determination, and belief in self are at the heart of hope.” pg 66
      • power – “ability to effect change” Martin Luther King Jr pg 67
    • practicing critical awareness – “reality checking the messages and expectations that drive the ‘never-good-enough’ gremlins.” pg 67
    • letting go of numbing/taking the edge off
      • “trying to feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, and trying to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.” pg 69
      • “we cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” pg 70
      • “now, I believe that everyone numbs and takes the edge off and that addiction is about engaging in these behaviors compulsively and chronically.” pg 70
      • “I wasn’t raised with the skills and emotional practice needed to ‘lean into discomfort,’ so over time I basically became a take-the-edge-off-aholic.” pg 71-72
      • “The questions is, does our _ … get in the way of our authenticity? … Are we using _ to hide or escape from the reality of our lives?” pg 72
      • “there’s no such thing as selective numbing” pg 72
      • “joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions” pg 73
You cannot selectively numb emotions
Keywords from Guidepost #3

resilience, overcoming-adversity, protective-factors, factors-of-resilient-people, spirituality, cultivating-hope, hope, goal-setting, achieving-goals, back-up-plan, critical-awareness, numbing, taking-the-edge-off, cannot-selectively-numb, take-the-edge-off-aholic, darkness-and-light

  • “… love and belonging go together” pg 77
  • “without exception, every person I interviewed who described … themselves as joyful, actively practiced gratitude and attributed their joyfulness to their gratitude practice.” pg 77-78
  • “what does gratitude practice look like?
    • keeping gratitude journals
    • doing daily gratitude meditations or prayers
    • creating gratitude art
    • stopping to say ‘I am grateful for…'” pg 78
  • “happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude.” pg 79
  • “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” pg 82
  • #read-more-from Lynne Twist: The Soul of Money
    • “Lynne says that addressing scarcity doesn’t mean searching for abundance but rather choosing a mindset of sufficiency” pg 83
  • let the ordinary moments be enough. Joy does not have to come from the extraordinary moments.
Keywords from Guidepost #4

belonging, joy, gratitude, gratitude-journal, happiness-versus-joyfulness, scarcity, ordinary-moments, lynne-twist, lynne-twist_the-soul-of-money, sufficiency, abundance

  • “psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process – like a mental puzzle.” pg 87-88
  • “what does your gut say?” pg 88
    • “when we start polling people, it’s often because we don’t trust our own knowing.” pg 88
    • “when we just want to get the decision-making over with, it’s a good idea to ask ourselves whether we simply can’t stand the vulnerability of being still long enough to think it through and make a mindful decision.” pg 89
  • “I’ve come to realize that faith and reason are not natural enemies.” pg 90
    • “we need both faith and reason to make meaning in an uncertain world.” pg 90
    • “faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.” pg 90
Keywords from Guidepost 5

faith, intuition, listen-to-your-gut, reason, uncertainty, faith-and-reason

  • “my parents were launched on the accomplishments-and-acquisitions track, and creativity gave way to that stifling combination of fitting in and being better than, also known as comparison.” pg 94
  • “comparison is all about conformity and competition” pg 94
    • “it’s not cultivate self-acceptance, belonging, and authenticity; it’s be just like everyone else, but better.” pg 95
  • “… the more entrenched and reactive we are about an issue, the more we need to investigate our responses.” pg 95
  • “[creativity] lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.” pg 96
  • “writer William Plomer described creativity as ‘the power to connect the seemingly unconnected.” pg 96
  • “… what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared.” pg 97
Keywords from Guidepost 6

creativity, comparison, competition, fitting-in, self-acceptance, belonging, authenticity, william-plomer

  • #read-more-from Stuart Brown: Play book
  • “play shapes our brain, helps us foster empathy, helps us navigate complex social groups, and is at the core of creativity and innovation.” pg 100
  • “play is purposeless” pg 100
  • Stuart Brown: “The opposite of play is not work – the opposite of play is depression.” pg 101
  • play is biologically required for restoration
Work + Play = Sustainable Productivity

“What would this look like if it were fun?” – Ali Abdaal, Feel-Good Productivity Feel-Good Productivity book notes

We can incorporate play into our work using Stuart Brown’s play personalities (i.e. Collector, Competitor, Explorer, Creator, Storyteller, Joker, Director, Kinesthete) by finding a job that matches our play personality or incorporating our play personality into our job activities. Finding ways to do this will help us get things done without getting so depleted.

  • sleep is critical and we don’t generally get enough
  • “we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.” pg 102
  • embrace joy and meaning over a list of accomplishments and striving
  • make time for downtime, hanging out
  • #read-more-from Daniel Pink: A Whole New Mind book
Keywords from Guidepost 7

play, rest, sleep, exhaustion, restoration, productivity, joy-and-meaning, Stuart-Brown, stuart-brown_play, daniel-pink, daniel-pink_a-whole-new-mind

  • “I don’t need to figure out a way to keep going with this level of anxiety – I need to figure out how to be less anxious.” pg 106
  • “… weren’t anxiety-free or even anxiety-averse; they were anxiety-aware. They were committed to a way of living where anxiety was a reality but not a lifestyle.” pg 106
  • calm – “creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity.” pg 106
    • “bring perspective to complicated situations and feel their feelings without reacting to heightened emotions like fear and anger.” pg 107
    • “identify the emotions that are most likely to spark your reactivity and then practice non-reactive responses.” pg 107
    • “unless we had calm modeled by our parents and grew up practicing it, it’s unlikely that it will be our default response to anxious or emotionally volatile situations.” pg 107
  • stillness – “quieting their bodies and minds as a way to feel less anxious and overwhelmed.” pg 108
    • meditation, prayer, quiet reflection, alone time
    • “opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.” pg 108
  • “if we stop long enough to create an emotional clearing, the truth of our lives will invariably catch up with us.” pg 108
  • “anxiety loses its hold and we gain clarity about what we’re doing, where we’re going, and what holds true meaning for us.” pg 109
  • #read-more-from Harriet Lerner: The Dance of Connection book
    • “some of us respond to anxiety by overfunctioning and others by under” pg 109
Keywords from Chapter 9

anxiety, calm, stillness, perspective, mindfulness, reactivity, harriet-lerner, harriet-lerner_the-dance-of-connection, overfunctioning, underfunctioning

  • keys to idea of meaningful work: pg 112
    • “we all have gifts and talents”
    • “squandering our gifts brings distress to our lives”
    • “sharing our gifts and talents with the world is the most powerful source of connection with God.”
    • “takes a tremendous amount of commitment”
    • “meaning is unique to each of us” pg 113
  • “self-doubt is letting our fear undermine our faith” pg 113
  • “gremlins are like toddlers. If you ignore them, they get louder.” pg 113
  • “overcoming self-doubt is all about believing we’re enough and letting go of what the world says we’re supposed to be and supposed to call ourselves.” pg 115
  • #read-more-from Marci Alboher: One Person/Multiple Careers book
  • #read-more-from Malcolm Gladwell: Outliers book
    • 3 criteria for meaningful work:
      1. complexity
      2. autonomy
  • relationship between effort and reward
  • #read-more-from Paulo Coelho: The Alchemist
Keywords from Guidepost 9

talent, self-doubt, marci-alboher, marci-alboher_one-person-multiple-careers, malcolm-gladwell, malcolm-gladwell_outliers, complexity, autonomy, effort-reward, paulo-coelho, paulo-coelho_the-alchemist

  • “knowing laughter embodies the relief and connection we experience when we realize the power of sharing our stories – we’re not laughing at each other but with each other.” pg 118
  • “[Dancing is] literally full-body vulnerability.” pg 119
  • “… I’m starting to believe that dancing is in our DNA.” pg 120
  • “a good belly laugh, singing at the top of your lungs, and dancing like no one is looking are unquestioningly good for the soul.” pg 120
  • “being ‘in control’ isn’t always about the desire to manipulate situations, but often it’s about the need to manage perception. We want to be able to control what other people think about us so that we can feel good enough.” pg 121
  • “I realized that one of the reasons I’m afraid to try new things is my fear of being perceived as goofy or awkward.” pg 122
  • “when we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash the passionate, goofy, heartfelt, and soulful expressions of who we are, we betray ourselves. When we consistently betray ourselves, we can expect to do the same to the people we love.” pg 123
  • “when we don’t give ourselves permission to be free, we rarely tolerate that freedom in others. We put them down, make fun of them, ridicule their behaviors, and sometimes shame them.” pg 123
Keywords from Guidepost 10

laughter, vulnerability, being-cool, being-awkward, perception, song, dance

  • “the truth is that meaningful change is a process. It can be uncomfortable and is often risky…” pg 125
  • “what’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?” pg 125
  • “… in this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance.” pg 126
Keywords from Final Thoughts

meaningful-change, risks, authenticity, worthiness

Go Beyond the Book Notes for The Gifts of Imperfection

While these notes share the ideas important to me in this book, there’s no substitute for reading it yourself. Consider reading (or listening) on your own to find what fascinates YOU!

Bookshop.org
Spotify
Amazon

Where to Go for More from Brenè Brown

The first place that I encountered Brenè Brown was on YouTube. While today she is there in spades, these first two viral videos catapulted her and her message into the spotlight.

Brenè also has many other books besides The Gifts of Imperfection. They each dig into different concepts of wholehearted living.

  • I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)
  • Daring Greatly
  • Rising Strong
  • Braving the Wilderness
  • Dare to Lead
  • You are Your Best Thing
  • Atlas of the Heart

Dr. Brown has expanded into podcasting over the years.

And you can sign up for her newsletter on her website, brenebrown.com.

What to Read Next if You Like The Gifts of Imperfection

If you connected with the ideas in The Gifts of Imperfection, these books expand on those concepts, offering practical guidance for moving beyond perfectionism.

  • Mindset by Carol Dweck
  • Play by Stuart Brown
  • Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

In Mindset, Carol Dweck explores the difference between a fixed and growth mindset. She demonstrates how embracing challenges and learning from setbacks can lead to lasting success.

In Play, Stuart Brown emphasizes the crucial role of play throughout life. He highlights its impact on creativity, problem-solving, and overall well-being.

In Daring Greatly, Brenè Brown digs deeper into embracing vulnerability and authenticity. Brenè explains how to put these guideposts from The Gifts of Imperfection into practice.

These books build on the principles presented in The Gifts of Imperfection, providing a more comprehensive framework for transforming your life.

Wrapping Up: My Final Thoughts on The Gifts of Imperfection

Engaging with Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection is less like reading a book and more like starting a conversation with yourself.

It directly challenges the relentless cultural push for perfection, offering instead a path to “wholehearted living”—a life lived from a place of inherent worthiness. The most radical idea, and one that continues to resonate deeply with me, is simply this: you are enough right now.  

This isn’t about flipping a switch; it’s an ongoing practice supported by the core pillars of Courage, Compassion, and Connection. It involves finding the courage to be vulnerable, extending kindness to ourselves and others, and building genuine connections based on authenticity.

My journey with this book started intensely—it cracked open years of holding back. It wasn’t easy confronting deeply held beliefs about perfectionism and shame. Yet, returning to these ideas has been profoundly transformative.  

The Ten Guideposts provide a practical map for this journey, encouraging us to let go of what holds us back—fear, comparison, exhaustion, and self-doubt—and cultivate what nourishes us: authenticity, resilience, gratitude, joy, creativity, rest, calm, and meaning.

The Gifts of Imperfection doesn’t promise easy answers, but it extends a powerful invitation to live bravely, embrace our imperfections, and show up authentically.

It’s challenging, but choosing our true selves over the world’s expectations is a worthwhile, life-changing endeavor. This book remains a crucial guidepost on that ongoing path.

References

Brown, C. Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, Minn: Hazelden, 2010.

Articles in the Book Notes Series

Hidden Potential by Adam Grant: Book Summary & Notes

Jen March 25, 2024

Hidden Potential by Adam Grant is an exploration into the often overlooked reserves of capability and resilience that we each possess. It’s a powerful reminder that sometimes we mask our true potential to protect ourselves from our fears, possible failures, and society’s expectations.

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